You Can't Go Home Again

The psychology of Jia Yuanchun

You Can’t Go Home Again

Now that we’re really going through the novel slowly, we can take a little bit of time out to think about a couple of things.

Jia Yuanchun clearly wants to go home again. But, as Thomas Wolfe reminds us, you really can’t go back home.

I know how Jia Yuanchun feels, by the way.

We were living and working in Beijing, China back in 2017. I was working for the State Depatment as a Foreign Service Officer. And, as is usually the case, we wound up faced with “home leave,” a U.S. government requirement that we return to the United States for a certain period of time every couple of years to reacquaint ourselves with American culture and life.

I’m serious when I say that, by the way. It’s not a benefit of having the job. Home leave is a requirement, and it can be difficult on those who do not have an actual set residence in the United States.

Anyway, we went back to my parents house. And, just like Jia Yuanchun feels in chapter 18 of Dream of the Red Chamber, I felt frustration when I realized that I really couldn’t go back home again.

Going home isn’t just going back to a place or meeting with certain people, of course. Going home means going back to the way things once were. It’s about going back to the feelings and thoughts that you once had, your ideals and frustrations and hopes and dreams and disappointments. It’s very much about trying to live your life again in reverse, about going back over your own footsteps again and making a better decision the second time around.

And it’s impossible. Not only can you not travel backwards in time, but you literally cannot go home again.

That’s why Jia Yuanchun changed the name of her exquisite mansion in this passage:

石牌坊上寫著「天仙寶境」四大字。賈妃命換了「省親別墅」四字，於是進入行宮。

On the stone archway was a four character inscription that read “Treasure Realm of the Celestial Immortals.”

Jia Yuanchun saw this inscription and ordered that it be replaced with “Villa for a Family Visit.” And then she entered.

The talk about celestial immortals probably made Jia Yuanchun feel uncomfortable. She wanted to go back home to her family, and wanted all the pomp and circumstance to be gone.

This is a very natural human desire. It’s a feeling and emotion that transcends manmade culture. But, of course, you just can’t go back home again.

I don’t think anybody expressed this desire better than Goethe:

Gib ungebändigt jene Triebe,
Das tiefe schmerzenvolle Glück,
Des Hasses Kraft, die Macht der Liebe,
Gib meine Jugend mir zurück!

Give back, untamed, those impulses,
That deep, pain-filled happiness,
The strength of hatred, the power of love,
Give me back my youth!

And, yeah, it sounds better in German. Trust me.